My mommy post

First off I just want to say thank you SO much for all the love and support my family and I've been shown through this difficult time. It really shows people's true character and it just means so much....
As most of you know my mom past away a week ago today. From  my later posts you know I've wrote about how much pain and suffering she was going through and it was so hard to watch her go through that. I know she is in a better place and not hurting, but the little girl with separation anxiety wants her momma. From 4th-7thish grade I would make myself sick and do ANYTHING to stay at home with my mom. I have and will always be her lil "pooh-bear". I'm glad I had a mother who was obsessed with loving my sister and I, along with everyone else who came in contact with her , as much as anyone could and more. The whole funeral thing was a blur. There were ALOT of people who came to say their condolences and tell my sister and I stories of the high-school/childhood says. I have a touch of social anxiety/awkwardness seeing as how I was up my moms rear most of my life....I was uncomfortable the whole time.
 For blog sake, I can't rant and say some things I wouldn't say to people's faces. To answer your questions that you should already know _"What's wrong" - seriously? ....lol I have to say something completely morbid just to make them realize it wasn't the smartest question. Then there is the one that i've been getting and will continue to get - "How are you doing?" For some reason it doesn't occur to me to just answer like I always have "fine", "good, and you?" I think of it like a psychological question every time. A rant that should make me more mad  than it does....My sister and father and I decided we didn't want a grave-side service. We would just pray once we got to the graveyard, say goodbye one more and leave. Well when they told us to leave my family moved aside a little and began talking. The grave-digger dudes decided it's completely not morbid and disturbing to lower her, and start throwing the dirt in. Needless to say we booked it.
  Everything reminds me of her. Which is okay. I feel like I'm not grieving correctly because I'm somewhere in between knowing she's at peace and not accepting it fully. Reagan and Pierce miss her too. They walk by her room and say "Where nanny at?". Heartbreaking:( My sister told them nanny went to be with Jesus and their faces light up. They are so excited for her to live with Jesus. Regan said yesterday ok,  mommy I go live with nanny and Jesus. There was another talk for that one.
FYI-don't get on a deceased's persons Facebook soon after there death without notifying everyone first. My bad guys.
My mom left alot behind with me. She gave me my big heart and compassion. She gave me her beautiful looks. EXACT same eyes, so I stare at myself sometimes. She taught me everything I know it seems and I find comfort in that. My worry now lies with my dad.  They've been married for 28 year, a few days after mom mom turned 17. She kept him in line and I grew up differently than alot of kids do. My parents showed there love for one another. They fought, ALOT, but that's a given with strong personalities. After the funeral we ate at Logan's and something so tiny made our hearts sink. We were all sitting in pairs, and I left a seat open by dad without thinking. We all got the 2-for-$20 and he shed a tear. So many things are going to make us remember she isn't with us anymore. Dad say's he feels like a bird in a cage. He said he wanted things to end like the notebook. :( How sweet. Mom kept dad on a tight leash especially after she was diagnosed because she was afraid to die alone. (My mom and I suffer from severe worry disease.) He is free to do anything he wants, but completely lost without her guidance.
 I don't know if any of you notice when someone passes "weird" things happening...but in my family, we do. We found a envelope that said "Stacy's poems". My sister called and said its so eery how appropriate this is. I'll post it on Facebook or something later, but it just went along the lines of im in a better place, seriously-im in a better place. Kinda forced the comfort on ya. Also if I hear "If I Die Young" one more time on the radio......lol i count and daily its 7+ times. The songs not really comforting to me. Reminds me of awhile back mom and I TRIED to do some kind of pre-arrangements which was totally WRONG. Who plans for a funeral so early in life? After picking out 2 songs one a sweet gospel song she loves, and another brad paisley and Dolly Parton, we went to you tube. After doing the search "funeral songs" we came across this. http://youtu.be/MkYXS4CDU6Y Thus ending our songs as we laughed hysterically for a long time.


Also she would be glad to report she passed away in her TEAM EDWARD shirt

                                                         My mommy- 2-4-66 - 8-13-11